March Newsletter

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Gratitude

As I’m closing in on my last week out here in the Philippines this year, I’ve been reflecting on not just the past 3 months that I’ve been here but the entire year as well. Thus far, Missions has been a real trip for me – and I’m not referring to all my travels.

Starting back at the beginning before I left my life in Chicago, I remember having a conversation with a good friend over a piece of pie. His words of wisdom were, “Jessie, maybe this next season of your life is just suppose to be you and God…no one else.” Oh how true that has been!

On many different levels, I’ve been stripped down to just “me and God” before being able to build anything back up again. It’s the best place and the worst place to be all at the same time. Through it all I’ve been learning about who I am, my identity in God, and who He is forming me into which has been awesome, and on the flip side He’s exposed all my insecurities, failures, and shortcomings which has left me facing what I’ve tried so hard to bury and run from – feeling vulnerable.

In my comfort zone, I had built a fortress that was impenetrable. I knew how to reinforce the walls that kept me in tact because I knew who, what, where, when, why, and how – everything was familiar. Looking back, within my comfort zone I’d learned how to compartmentalize where God fit and what He could have access to in my life.

God really had to do some demolition in me, which could be summed up neatly in my first 5 months on the mission field: leaving home, family, friends, culture, ministry, church and substituting that for 4 vastly different experiences those first 5 months in Florida, England, Nicaragua, and the Dominican Republic. In a good/necessary way missions had been nothing what I had expected it to be.

God has exposed my insecurities about my age, capabilities, relationship-status (a TOTAL lack-there of), and appearance – yes that even includes my height.

…but what I love, and what I’ve been learning, is when God brings me to a place of feeling vulnerable He doesn’t keep me there too long; He begins to encourage me and put me together again and I begin to understand more of who I am in Him. God sweetly reminds me of Psalms 139,

For you created me in my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

God knows me better than I do. He’s seen me unraveled and undone…and even the mess that I am, God chooses to create me into something more than I could ever dare to hope for or imagine. I’ve been learning that God’s placement is never wrong, and for me to doubt myself in turn doubts God… it’s taken awhile for me to get this and believe it but I love it that God’s patient enough for me to understand it J.

For me, the Philippines has been a place of reconstruction personally, spiritually, and emotionally. I’ve finally been able to find my footing in this season of my life. I am now starting to build upon relationships, ministry purpose, church life, and simply who I am without such drastic changes. There are still vulnerable moments here and there, where God’s refining me…but I have to say that now, I’m grateful for these tough breaking moments because I know that in the end He will erect something beautiful from my broken pieces.

God deserves all my gratitude this year.

What more can you do?

As I’m sitting here typing away trying to sort through all the emotions and experiences from my latest trip to Malaysia, never have I experienced God move so strategically in individual’s lives than on this past trip…He even started before I thought the actual “trip” began.

On the flight over, normally I’d zone out in my iPod, a good book, or a movie but this time I sat in the middle right next to a talkative and shockingly open guy about his life. For the sake of anonymity, I’ll call him Eugene. I found out that Eugene is originally from England, is 22 years old, has been living in Thailand for the past year of his life, was in the Philippines to get his divers license, and is currently attempting to get back to Thailand and become a diving instructor. Since he was SO open in sharing all this with me, I guess he felt the right to know about me and so he began to ask me questions: What brought you to Manila? Why are you going to Malaysia? How long have you been in Manila/stay in Malaysia? The normal friendly talk, but after these generic questions he began to ask why I do what I do? – Why am I a missionary? – After explaining my story of what God has done in my life to get me to this point in life, he then began asking about thoughts on religion and spirituality, knowing God, the way to heaven, and ultimately how someone would accept the love of Jesus for themselves? This was not the type of conversation I was expecting to have on a flight to Malaysia, yet I was able to share with him how to make Jesus part of his life and that it’s a free gift of love that God gave to us. He seemed very responsive to what I shared with him about God. We then parted ways at immigration and the Malaysian experience began.

Driving to the guesthouse that we were staying at, I heard the call to prayer as well as seeing eloquent looking mosques one right after another. Throughout the majority of the trip, it was an adjustment for me learning about the culture, different ethnicities and their religions represented in the nation, as well as the structure of the Christian churches/organizations within the nation. It was not only an eye-opening experience but it was also a good challenging experience for me personally. As a group, we met with leaders who genuinely care about the youth and their spirituality and we interviewed them to gain insight on the youth from their perspective. Separate from these leaders, we also conducted focus groups with the youth themselves to hear from them what were the things youth their age face, deal with, and simply their ideas about life. A few focus groups stuck out to me because of the discussions that occurred afterwards.

Two instances, I had youth come up to me after the focus group to share with me more about common issues they face in life…but what made these talks stand out to me more than the group discussion we held were the depth and sincerity of these students faith. Some didn’t know if they were doing enough or how they could do more, and what they should do when faced with opposition spiritually. There are some restrictions that other religions have here, and to hear these students desire to do more or simply to share in light of that blew my mind away. I didn’t know what to say specifically when they asked if they were doing enough…but God was again faithful to provide an answer. I encouraged these youth that the fight all of us are fighting isn’t a physical fight, and while some may use words or actions we’re not always asked to retaliate the same way. Even though it’s not a physical fight – it is a spiritual fight - we are not defenseless, we can fight through prayer. God is the only authority over the world, and He can either change circumstances or sustain us through it. I was then able to pray with these youth and to stand alongside of them in prayer, fighting with them for these needs they face.

Beyond the research with interviews and focus groups, others in the team were also given the opportunity to talk with our cab driver, who has become a transportation contact while in country. Similar to my experience on the plane, this cab driver was questioning about his faith, spirituality, and genuine encounters with God. Not only were they able to answer his questions and share with him the Good News, before we all left Malaysia we were able to give him a book for him to read and discover for himself who God is.

After such an experience, hearing and seeing those who have a strong/deep faith I was left with this question that was first posed to me 5 years ago by a good friend of mine: “What more can you do?” So now I’ll ask you as well, “What more can you do?”

That feeling you get when you’re HOME

This past year, I’ve been craving this sense of being home. In the beginning of the year, when I was back in Chicago, I knew my home where I lived all my life was no longer where I was suppose to be. While I felt comfortable having family and friends surrounding me, firmly established in the identity that God gave me, I had this uncomfortable feeling that sometimes you get when God is preparing you to move or transition to the next step that He has for you, yet you don’t quite know what to expect. It's like a little nudge inside that makes you anxious to start something new. I was looking forward to the next step…but what I was really looking forward to was having that sense of being HOME, at the place where God wanted me to be.

I have no doubt that I’ve been where God wants me these past 5 months and will continue to be for the next 1.5 years; however, uprooting everything familiar and what I understood that feeling of “home” to be didn’t equate to reality. Honestly, there were times – more than I’d like to admit – where I kept looking back missing what I understood to be the feeling of “home.” I’ve craved to have this feeling of being home – where I can be me without having to give background information.

Amazingly enough, God still gave me a sense of being home while working in other countries this summer - like He did in Guatemala and Africa on my first missions trips – however, they were so temporary and constantly changing that it felt like every time I left a place a piece of that feeling was being ripped away from me. Sadly, I learned quickly how to guard the last remains of this feeling called “home.” Allow people in only so far, don’t let the friendships get too deep or become too meaningful because it’s only temporary and once the plane takes off it’s back to square 1 again.

Looking forward to the next step in what God has for me, I hate to say it out loud but I mentally refused to allow myself to hope that I’d ever feel at home again. I wanted to preserve what was left of the already damaged sense of being “home.” However, like so many other times in my life whenever I’ve stubbed up, God softly yet firmly realigns my attitude...and most of the time it’s during a time of worship, and this time it was no different.

Sitting in an incredible worship service, my attitude griped and complained towards God about how I didn’t feel at home in worship. The time of worship extended throughout the entire service, making me feel less and less comfortable forcing me to not only to examine myself but also to openly share my frustration with God. I sat there on the floor whining at God about how I wanted to feel at home again, how I didn’t want my life to be a forever struggle in feeling at home, how I felt so alone and if only I had someone to share this with THEN it would be bearable! After I finished my sob story to God, it was His turn to speak.

He reminded me of Abraham and how he wandered and followed God without fault. Moving around constantly because Abraham knew that his home was wherever God was – a heavenly home – and that was wherever God was leading him at that time. For me, it’s no different of a lesson than this; however, since God sent Jesus into the world to bridge the gap between God and man, God isn’t contained to a location, a building, in the Holy of Holies, or anywhere else. God lives inside me, walks with me wherever I go. He sticks closer to me than a shadow. If home is wherever God is, then for me it’s no longer a place or location….home is in me! Home is an attitude of the heart now, and as long as I follow His leading and I’m transparent with Him then I’m home, and should no longer be craving this feeling of “home.”

It’s a tough concept to swallow – and I’m sure it’ll take awhile for it to sink in – but as long as I have the assurance from God and His promise that He’s never going to leave me, then this is what I have to hold onto. This is what I’m now looking forward to in this next step – having more hope and aspiration that home is where my heart is…and my heart is with God.

Banana, Band-Aides, and Beber

In 3 days, I went from Manchester England to Manchester Nicaragua - a barrio within the capital city Managua - the difference between the two was more than the Atlantic Ocean to say the least.

In Nicaragua, the Canadian team and I ran soccer clinics in an open campo right off of Lake Managua. Well, really the team did all the soccer - I can't play to save my life - so I stood by the side-lines cheering, passing out water, and occasionally being the field's medic. While I stood by the side-lines I had a little friend who kept me company. After numerous attempts of asking her name with no response/mumbled response, I named her my Chiquita Banana.

Chiquita Banana is an inquisitive 2 or 3 year old Nicaraguan that I met my first day on the soccer field. As I stood there with my mochila and a big black cow-boy hat, she came up to me holding the shirt she was suppose to be wearing in hand. She tugged on my shirt grabbing my attention and lifted her shirt up to me as if to tell me that she needed help putting it on. After that, I couldn't get rid of her :) She found my wristwatch and for an afternoon she stood there pushing every button imaginable over and over again. She'd wear sunglasses upside-down on her face and would walk right up to me with this big smile on her face - it didn't help that I wear glasses and she wanted mine in addition to the ones on her face. She also found the orange stackable cones and would sit right next to me stacking and unstacking them. She was my buddy, she was my pal...and the more I saw her, the more I called her Chiquita Banana to which she'd given me the UBERST of UBER smiles.

While I wasn't distracted by my Chiquita Banana, other little chicos were brought to me with cuts and scraps from playing too hard. The field - while an open field - had rocks, boulders, horse poo, broken glass, mud puddles, and creepy furry circular yellow centipedes (which I found crawling up my leg...GROSS!). Even with all these obstacles, it didn't stop these kids from playing at full speed and in their sandals or bare-foot nonetheless. Needless to say, all my band-aides were used and I was grateful I took First-Aid. And while I sat there with kids sitting on my lap covering up their cuts and scraps, 2 thoughts came to mind: Jesus saying, "Let the children come to me," and Jesus washing His disciples' feet. If putting band-aides on cuts and scraps demonstrated the love of God to these kids, then I'd go back - sweaty and all - and do it again in a heart-beat.

Field medic wasn't my primary responsibility though...I was the Aguadora (water lady)!!! Being honest, my first day as the Aguadora wasn't my proudest moment as a missionary. One of my pet-peeves is whinny kids...and being the one who holds the keys to the water, I got a lot of kids whining thrown at me. It didn't help that I could understand every word these kids were saying in Spanish. I couldn't be ignorant in thinking that these kids were just coming up to me to say hi or comment on my cow-boy hat, NO I had to sit there and hear the little water-monsters whine at me!!! Moving past my own issue, once there was more order, no pushing, or cutting in line being the Aguadora wasn't so bad...I actually liked my responsibility.

The week of soccer ministry was nicely packaged wrapped in the end with hosting a soccer tournament on an actual soccer field for 40 of the kids we worked with, sharing with the community the story of Jesus, and passing out 90 Book of Hope to the kids and their parents. It was a successful week to say the least...with Banana, Band-Aides, and Beber (drinks - like water).

Reminders

Often times, I get so focused on the here and now that I neglect to acknowledge the blessings of the past and the promises of the future. I don’t want to sound pessimistic about the present, most of the times being in the present is where I need to be. It’s in the present that I’m able to seize the day [carpe diem] make the most out of every opportunity that God presents to me; however, when it’s not balanced with the right perspective it becomes overbearing…overbearing and what may feel like at times a “dryness.”

When I feel, hear, or think about “dryness” I’m reminded of a leadership meeting back home in Chicago. Our youth pastor’s wife just got back from maternity leave, and she gave a word of encouragement/challenge to us, “like Elijah spoke life into the dry bones…so should you speak life over the dry areas of your life. If you don’t, who will?” For some – like me – this first went over my head, but as it soaked in and as time and circumstances came up over and over God began to demonstrate to me what that meant.

For me, it meant that God’s purpose for Elijah in that moment wasn’t to raise an army to fight, neither was it for God to show off his mad miracle skills…it was personal expression of love towards Elijah. Elijah, even as a prophet, was in a dry period in his life – which should tell you that it can happen to anyone, doesn’t matter your position or spiritualness. God knew that he – like most of us, including myself – needed a visual representation to remind him of who He was, is, and will be in his life. When Elijah spoke to the physical dry bones, he was also speaking to the dryness in his life. And as life was restored to the bones so was his spiritual life restored, refreshed, and renewed.

I want to be like Elijah in having the faith, confidence, or whatever he did have to speak life to the dry areas in myself by remembering who God is in my life. I want to have the right perspective – God’s perspective - in the here and now in order to be all that I can be for Him. I don’t want to get bogged down with circumstances or uncertainties in life that I neglect to acknowledge the awesomeness of God in my life, the blessings He’s provided for me in the past and the promises He’s given me for the future.

It’s time to start speaking life, to remind myself of the blessing and the promises yet to come. God hasn’t let me down yet. Out of all the obstacles that came my way in being a missionary, God removed ALL in His timing and in His way. If He was able to do that, I should have no doubt that not only He has the best in store for me but He’ll continue to make a way where there seems to be no way.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Your thoughts aren't my thoughts, neither are your ways my ways

Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.

As the summer begins to pick up speed, I didn’t want to miss a chance to share progress on the projects I’ve been working with and where I am going this summer.

For a while now, I’ve been talking about a Displaced Community project. I have been a part of developing a new Book of Hope for Children and Youth who’ve gone through traumatic change because of a natural disaster or war. I’m so excited to tell you that the books are almost completed! The first week of June, I sat in creative design meetings to put the finishing touches on the books. They are in their final stages before the templates go to the Design department here at OneHope. It’s an amazing feeling when a project long in the making will be completed soon – hopefully this summer ☺

Since being at OneHope, I’ve also had the pleasure of developing surveys to assess the effectiveness of the Soccer Clinics that are being conducted in South Africa. The Soccer Clinics will not only share with students the love of Jesus, but also the 9 Fruits of the Spirit illustrated through Bible Stories, games, and discussion. The surveys allow OneHope to gauge how well the students retained what they learned as well as how likely they are to apply what they learned to their lives.

One of the last projects that I’ve been a part of during my training here in FL is with the Cultivate initiative in a local community. OneHope is partnering with local churches to help transform this community that has a high crime rate, with the love of God. Currently Cultivate is running 3 programs in the community: an After School Matters program, ESL for adults, and Adopt-a-Block. I’ve done observations for the After School Matters program and ESL for adults as well as developed a survey for their After School Matters to see if the program is meeting the goals of OneHope to address the Emotional, Spiritual, and Physical needs of the child.

This summer, I am scheduled to travel to 3 different countries on short-term assignments leading teams to work on my training with OneHope.

England: Late June – Mid July
Nicaragua: 1 week in July
Dominican Republic: 1st week in August

Please be praying for each person going on these trips as well as the missionaries in each country.

Also, please continue to pray that God opens up the right door for me this fall, whether that means going to South Africa or somewhere else in the world. Pray that God places me where I can best be used because His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are higher than mine. I want to follow Him wholeheartedly.